spinsterwoman’s blog

When I was growing up, it seemed that everything I said or did was offinsive or embarassing to someone.  If we were attending a family dinner or going out somewhere, my mother would always tell me not to say anything or ask embarassing questions.  No matter how hard I tried to tow the line and avoid her scrutiny, I always screwed up.  After EVERY family event, I'd hear, "Why did you say that?" or "Why did you ask grandma this?"  It never failed.  Now, if someone said something or asked me something that got me upset, I would be told not to be so sensitive.  The same mother that had be censoring every little thing that comes out of my mouth told me to just suck it up whenever anyone offended or embarassed me.  If I said something that offended someone that was MY fault. I should've been more careful with me words.  If they said or did something that offended me, once again this was MY fault.  I took it the wrong way. No matter what, any misunderstanding I had with anyone was MY fault and I needed to change.  This is the mess I have been trying to undo this year.  I am sick of feeling like everything is my fault.  I'm tired of everyone else's little needs and crisis' being more important than mine. 

I recently finished reading Steve Martin's Born Standing Up, a book about his stand up comedy career.  This made me jones for the stage again.  Steve Martin is one of my comedy idols.  I went into stand up comedy because I wanted to be like him, John Belushi and any member of Monty Python's Flying Circus. I've always wanted to be a performer or maybe even write screenplays.  I fantasized about sold out stage performances and Oscar acceptance speeches the way other young girls fantasize about their wedding.  The dream never came true.  After countless open mic nights, improv classes and unsuccessful auditions, I am still at a day job.  I abondoned the dream for more practical endeavors the way Little Jackie Paper put Puff the Magic Dragon aside for more grown up toys. 

Steve Martin's road to success took decades.  he endured parental disapproval, many nights of bombing and the lonliness of the road but he reached the pinnacle.  As I read each page of Born Standing Up, I kept thinking, what if I quit stand  up too soon.  What if that next performace or audition was THE performance that would open the flood gates of my successful career? 

So I recently posted on Facebook that I'm thinking of performing stand up again.  Nobody commented on this response.  I was disappointd.  I was hoping every single person who had ever seen me perform would show support.  They would say things like "It's about time you came back!"  "You are one of the true comic geniuses of our time". "Come on over to LA.  I can get you some time at the clubs there"... No one posted such comments.  I would like to think they all feel that way on the inside.  This warm and fuzzy feeling has kept me in a good mood all week.  Most likely, none of these people would notice one way or the other if I never do a stage set again.  Whatever. Do I really need them?

What happens if I never perform again?  What else is out there for me?  If I want to get married and have babies, I would need to find Mr. Right right now.  I can earn another Bacholors degree free through mu job, but do I really want to go back to school.  I am only lukewarm about the prospect of being a shrink and nothing else even remotely interests me.  Besides, what if I flunk out?  Then I'd be even more depressed because I failed at yet another endeavor. 

I'm such a hypocrite because every day, I ask potential students to face these fears head on and go for their goals, while I'm sitting here in cyberspace with my thumb up me A**.

These are things to ponder.

The other day, I was watching Mad Men at my friend Marlena's house.  Afterwards, we watched cartoons on Adult Swin, my favorite cartoon network.  In a moment of drunk dialing insanity, I actually dialed the number of a former bootie call.  At first we were texting as if we might actually meet for drinks, but I went home and totally passed out.  I had a bottle of red wine earlier that evening and was lit.  I woke up to a text from him accusing of me of spreading lies about him on the internet. I was confused.  The only thing I ever said about that man to anyone was that he is an asshole.  He might not agree with this, but it is a matter of opinion and therefore cannot be called a lie.  Furthermore, I don't recall even using his name online.  This poor man was horribly affected by whatever he thinks I did to him.  Whatever it was must have been just awful, and I am sorry. 

Moral of the story: Sometimes you just need to let it go. 

Wherever he is, I hope he has a decent life. 

Second moral of the story:  The writer of this blog should NEVER had access to her cell phone while she is watching Robot Chicken.  This causes dangerous allergic reactions.

I

I'm taking part in a Biggest Loser competition at work.  The participants have all paired up into teams to see which team can lose the most weight  in six weeks.  Each person put in $10 and the winning team splits that money.  This is a catalyst to do tackle my weight problem and unhealthy lifestyle, which I have been needing to so for awhile now.  So far, it's going better than I thought.  I have been exercising more often and trying to make healthier food choices.  I have even been shopping around for a gym.  Now, isn't necessary for everyone to join a health club.  You can get exercise by walking around the neighborhood and/or doing calisthenics at home.  However, I personally find that when I'm at home there are two things I don't want to do if I can help it; exercise and clean the apartment. 

So last night Caitlin, my biggest loser partner and I, went shopping for a health club.  I got 7 day "Free" membership from a club called X Sport. I'd heard of X Sport before.  One of my good friends has been a member of that club for years and is very happy with it.  In fact, she has tried to get me to go with her a few times.  They are open 24 hours a day, which is convenient and they have a lot of cool workout options.  The one we checked out even had a pool!  The guy who showed us around was very annoying and pushy.  He couldn't seem to talk about the benefits of just joining the gym.  Every chance he got he was pushing personal trainer visits and fancy watch timers that monitor your hear rate.  You would think that anyone who couldn't afford to go balls to the wall and buy into all of this stuff was better off sitting at home and eating bon-bons.  The monthly membership dues were actually quite reasonable for the amenities the gym offered, but he was telling us we needed 3 personal training sessions a week at $96 an hour!!!! I simply cannot afford this.  When I told the guy the training sessions weren't within my means, he wouldn't have any of that.  He kept trying to sell packs of training sessions for less cost per session.  That whole thing took me from almost joining to hating the place in minutes!  Suddenly I felt like anyone who was there would look at me funny if I was just doing a monthly membership with no personal training.  They woud sneer at me and think of me as a loser, and not in the Biggest Loser sense.  Furthermore, these people had no tampon dispenser in the ladies locker room.  What kind of health club has no tampon dispenser?  What if the monthly bill comes during my workout?  This could be embarassing!  We went to the club in Caitlin's car, and were supposed to have two hours of free parking.  By the time we saw the entire club, had out fitness evaluations and actually worked out, we were there 2 hours and 35 minutes. We were charged $18 for parking!!!  When we took to the desk clerk, she told us the two hours of free parking is null and void the MINUTE you are there past two hours.  The parking is handled by another company and they have no control of this situation.  We took the matter to the parking attendant, who said the same thing.  Of course when our guide told us about the free parking, he didn't mention this little detail.

I guess they though we deserved this for actually wanting to utilize the 7 day trial membership prior to signing on as members. When someone tells me I have 7 days to use something for free, I will use it.  Maybe that makes me ghetto.

It could've been worse. At least I wasn't bilked out of my retirement saving by getting into a Ponzi scheme. 

All I know is the whole thing made be want to eat a whole chocolate cake and just accept life as the fat lady.

Yeah, it's been forever since I have visited my blog.  I've been preoccupied with my lame attempt at online dating.  Can I slit my wrists now?  Free online dating sites are like crack.  Free my A**!  On this one site, you can bcome a member and view other members' profiles for free, but you have to be a paid member to actually TALK to anyone!  What is up with this?  If I just want to look at people I will go to the club.  Then, when you go to a guy's profile, you have communication options.  You can wink, or send flowers...How cute.  You can refer to a frieend What's up with that?  If I am interested in  someone, I'm not shareing!

Chicago has only  had 15 days of full sunshine since January.  What is up with this?  It's June 11, and outside it looks and feels like November.  These dark skies make me almost want to slit my wrists.  On top of this, there is that lovely recession everyone is talking about.  This is how my average day begins.  NPR blasts me up at 6:30am.  There is news of some major car company or bank laying off a few thousand people.  I stick my head under the covers because the sky is dark and I almost think it is still nighttime.  My cat is either purring or biting me, depending on  his mood. 

I have something like 8 minutes to sneak in a blog entry before lunch break is over.  Lately I am logged into the computer and getting high on "The Facebook"  Yes, I swore I would never get sucked in, but I log in every chance I get, and when I am not on the Facebook, I am thinking of cute little things to say when I am there.  The problem is, I can never remember them when I am actually there, so my posts are really dorky. 

T-5 mins...

The "Mission Impossible" theme is playing in my head as I blog on the sly.  Last night, my boss caught be after work typing up the poem I planned to read at The Heartland Cafe.  BAD EMPLOYEE!!!!!!

Outlook and g-mail were the gateway drugs.  THen came the blog, Now I am addicted to the Facebook.  Before you know it, I will be on that heroin thing knows as "Twitter", and I will be selling myself on the street corner jsut for a quick "Tweet" 

T-3:30 seconds...

Two weeks ago, I finally broke down and got on  The Facebook.  It isn't as bad as I thought. I actually have soemthing like 65 friends.  Of course my friend Dyann has 759 friends, so I guess I am not as cool as her.  Oh well... How would I keep up with 759 friends anyway.  That would be a full time job in itself.

Most of my friends consist of family members.  It is cool that I can log on and find out what my aunts, uncles and cousins everywhere are doin.  The problem is they can find me too.  How am I supposed to pick up hot young cabana boys on the facebook if my family busts me out for making myself ten years younger on the profile?  Furthermore, what happens when classmates find me on this thing?  I don't necessarily want to talk to everyone I know in college and I couldn't stand most of the people I knew in high school.  I have no desire to keep in touch with any of these people. 

You would think I would've learned that boy chasing thing by now.  You know, that thing where the woman flirts with the guy in a subtle manner, so he thinks it's his idea to go after her.  I do have 6 sisters after all.  Somehow, I never have mastered this skillset.  Whenever I am interested in someone, they know two weeks before I do.  I  usually handle  the boy/girl thing by simply getting drunk and jumping the guy's bones.  Either we hook up or he gives me some stupid spiel about how he likes me as a friend and never speaks to me again.  After the fiasco affair I had with "Mr. 4am" last year, I decided to try doing things differently.  I have been checking out this guy I know for a little while now.  Every time I see him I try that stupid little flirt thing, and it is SOOOO frustrating.  Even though I haven't actually jumped his bones yet, I feel I might as well get it over with.  Last night I came dangerously close to doing this. I saw him after I had been drinking for a few hours.  I was on a mission, but never got him alone long enough to go through with it.  It is better that way, however I regret plotting the whole thing.  I feel like God and everybody knows of my evil plan anyway.  I woke up this morning alone, with a nasty hangover.  I don't remember every word I said to the guy, but considering my blood alcohol level and general lack of sublety, he must surely know I am interested in him.  It will be interesting to see what happens next.

Have you ever felt like there is nothing in your head but that white space static that happens between radio stations on the AM dial or TV before 24 hour programming came into place?  Lately this is how I feel.  I have always had bouts with anxiety and depression, but this depression is like no other.  The only thing that keeps me from jumping off a building or even crying myself to sleep is that these things require too much energy.  I have tried the usual things to make myself feel better, rearranging my apartment, getting a new hairdo, drinking with friends etc. Nothing works.  There is not any particular reason I should feel blue.  I am still employed (today at least).  My love life isn't any worse than usual, WTF is going on??? Hopefully, like the Chicago winter this will pass and the sun will eventually come out.